Wednesday 1 September 2010

Spit inducing homosapiens

I'm not one to rant, well not regularly past the hour of 9pm, but now and again my rage against a few high profile individuals is ignited by thrashing hormones and a lack of chocolate in the house. Tonight is one of those nights. So without further ado, in reverse order are my top three most hated human beings and the reasons thereon:

3) Cheryl Cole - Ok, I don't actually 'hate' old bandy legs Tweedy but felt I had to sling her in as she irritates the bejesus out of me. Nuff said.

2) Boris Johnson - There are two things I hate about working in Holloway. One is that fecking great eyesore, the Emirates, home to the dirty red shirted, stinking Gooners and two, London's biggest white elephant and current Mayor of London resides there with his family. He has spawned four children (not counting the numerous 'love' children he has scattered around City Hall), his two daughters christened along the same cringe worthy lines as the Geldolfs and the Martins. Lara Lettice and Cassia Peaches. This man received over a million votes from you, the public, beating Ken Livingston to the post of Mayor of London, a huge reason I have lost faith in humanity . He crashes and stumbles through his political life making blunder after blunder, however, it's a sad fact of life that if you have mad hair and a posh accent this excuses you from the heinous crimes you've been committing as an upstanding member of society. I mean, take Hugh Grant for example, one of British cinema's 'darlings' and the recipient of illicit oral sex in the back of a car. Had anyone else been caught avec black prostitute with his trousers round his ankles, he would have been chastised as a pervert by the News of the World and black listed as a sex criminal. But the likes of old Granty and Johnno get away with it because they allegedly don't piss in the shower like the rest of us. He described his £250,000 per annum job as a columnist with the Daily Telegraph as paying, "Chicken feed" yet lives in one of the most deprived areas of London where most people who live there won't earn that in their lifetime. And then there was the occasion in 2009 when he walked out of the House of Commons midway through answering a question about whether or not heavy snowfall would affect the transport system, claiming that the 40 minutes that he allowed for this particular question and answer session had expired. Oh, and lets not forget the Franny Armstrong mugging incident whereby good old super Boris happened to be cycling past the documentary film maker and Ken Livingston follower just as she was being attacked by a 'group of girls'. He supposedly picked up an iron bar that happened to be lurking nearby, and chased after them on his bike shouting, "Oiks!!" What a bag of fictitious shit. But he has done some good things for London. Aside from the miles and miles of brightly coloured cycle lanes that are largely used for unloading vans and illegal parking, there was the self endorsed, 'Boris' Bikes' scheme which is excellent providing you don't actually go anywhere on it and return it to the same dock you picked it up from. Genius.
But lets not forget the introductory token gesture of the banning of alcohol on the tube. On the last evening that alcohol was permitted, hundreds of revellers descended upon London Underground resulting in several police officers being injured and 6 stations across the capital closed. In addition, a number of trains were damaged and subsequently withdrawn from service.Success!!!! Or not as the case may be. These days the general public opt for disguising their brew as fizzy pop or simply do what all piss-pots do and just bung it in a brown paper bag or better still, just get pissed before you stagger into the tube brandishing a stinky old kebab. Boris describes himself as a 'one-man melting pot' due to his Muslim/Christian/Jewish ancestry. I say cut off his hands, crucify him or throw him to the lions!
1) Leslie Ash - Last and most hated of all spit inducing human beings is the woman who went under the surgeon's knife for the benefit of her ex-footballer husband, Lee Chapman and ended up with the well documented, 'Trout Pout'. After being ridiculed on national TV she made a statement along the lines of, "If I'd lost a leg in a car crash, people wouldn't have felt able to take the mickey out of me so mercilessly....People don't laugh at Heather Mills because she lost a leg". Oh really, Leslie? That might be because Ms Mills didn't have her leg amputated so her husband wouldn't go out and shag better looking, younger women! In 2004 she was admitted to a Central London hospital with two cracked ribs, allegedly caused by her and Lee's violent love making. Yeah....pull the other one, Lezza! (A phrase that most definitely wouldn't wash with old Millsy) Even if Leslie and her husband, with a history of domestic violence, had have been playing a rougher than average game of 'Ladies and Gentlemen', why would you openly admit that to the press?? Surely, "I stumbled and fell flat on Lee's clenched fist", would suffice....maybe? Anyway, during her brief stay in the 'ozzie, she contracted a rather nasty bug which rendered her unable to walk and suffered loss of bladder control, so she took the NHS to court and was awarded the meagre sum of five million quid on the basis that nobody would employ her while she was bumbling around like Long John Silver on crutches. Of course, that was the reason she couldn't get any work, not because she looks like a post-partum vagina. As far as I know, Ash's millions have yet to wipe out the still virulent MRSA virus. Maybe she's taking a break from her one woman battle while she gets over her recent stint on the BBC's Holby City, which compels me to ask the question, "So, Les, as you have actually procured some acting work even though your face looks like a whore's fanny and you stagger along on sticks leaving a trail of piss behind you, I'm assuming that you're going to pay back some of that well deserved five million big ones into the cash starved NHS????" Hmmmmmm..............

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